If you are a regular reader of Just Julz you will know that there has been some big changes in my life recently. Well maybe just one big one so far. I split up with my husband, and we were still living together. I really tried to make this work because at the end of the day the house was ours not mine. Turns out it was a lot more difficult than I thought and after about a month I couldn't cope anymore.
So I asked him to move out.
I know you're probably thinking if I wasn't happy shouldn't I be the one to go....not if I am paying the bills.
It's probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do, because as much as our relationship had already ended, once one of us had moved out it was going to really be over. Do you know what I mean? I don't know how to describe it. Basically whilst we were still in each others lives like that I wouldn't be able to move on with mine. I was still worrying where he was when he hadn't come home, I was still cleaning up his mess, and we were just getting pissed off at each other.
I took the cowardly way out and left a note for him telling him how I was feeling and basically telling him to move out. I would have said it to his face but I know the lack of reaction would have just made me angry and I really didn't want it to all end with us completely hating each other.
Do you want to know the scary thing? I still haven't cried a single tear. Is that bad or does it just mean I have made the right decision? Maybe it's just that I did all the crying whilst we were still together.
I really thought when he moved out and I was living alone I would be terrified...but I'm not. I was so scared that my anxiety would take over and I wouldn't be able to do this. Turns out I am a lot stronger than I thought. I think I have mentioned before that since I was little I have been terrified of the wind and if you are in Scotland just now you will know it's been pretty windy...but I haven't been scared. Well apart from by the fact there was some banging noises that made me think my house was going to fall down or something, although I think I was more annoyed by it than scared.
I'm finally taking back my life and figuring out who I am again. I have done a lot more smiling recently and generally I am happy. I have down days but doesn't everyone? There's so much more to say but I don't want this post to get too long and boring so I will save it for another day, but just one more thing.
TAKE A CHANCE
I've just taken a big one and it has turned out to be completely the right thing to do. I'm going to start taking more chances/risks in life. I'd rather learn from the mistake than regret not trying.